Processing
CW: Talks of violence, and other dark subjects
So this year so far has been a lot.
I’m still trying to understand last year, but I’d like to have this section dedicated to the people who are no longer with us because of violence, domestic or otherwise. They should all still be here. Same with those who are displaced from their families and otherwise due to unchristian behavior done in the name of Jesus. I’m angry and sad at the same time. Families are changed in many different ways these days and it just irks me that people spin it as their fault. It isn’t.
That being said, I rejoined therapy a while back to better my rapport with people that I care for and in that, I was hit with the realization that I was in a very toxic relationship, one that I have downplayed the trauma attached because I felt free and happy in it for the most part. I stayed because I was in a relationship that I was able to maintain, (well as much as I could, but oof, not easy when it is just you doing the hard work) and I felt at ease whenever I needed to talk to them.
My mind ignored the red flags and focused only on the fact that I was happy….ish.
The fissures grew and I finally said no more.
We became friends for a while, and they told me all the things my blood father told them behind my back.
Now was this manipulation? No, I don’t think so. Here’s why I think so:
They stuck to facts, all the things they told me are things my blood father would tell them if they had time together (which they have).
They expressed genuine discomfort when they were telling me.
They didn’t have access to some of the information at all (more on that in a second.
I overheard some of it myself.
One of the things said was: “You should know the truth about Jenna….” and how my bio-dad told the name I went by prior. Yeah. New low for blood father.
I haven’t really wanted to talk to my blood father since then honestly and while he does like to keep up appearances that everything is fine here at home, it isn’t.
He doesn’t know why it is wrong for that to be out there. My ex used that name on me when they wanted to control me and I mentally blocked it out and it made itself known during the therapy session. It felt like I was dating two people, where one wanted the best for me and my passions, and the other just wanted to make me to seek therapy.
After a series of traumatic episodes later with my new “friend”, I blocked them on every outlet possible. No more toxicity. No more trauma. No more ick.
Never in my life will my bio-dad meet another person I date or attend my wedding. My mom is allowed though. She’s cool. She’s fine.
My blood father has always had this grudge for me, well ever since I decided on becoming my own person and not buying his over the top stories, which feels like is in its 18th(?) year. I would hear story after story (and to this day sadly) the same stories about how he had a bike, didn’t lock it, bike was stolen, (or this bizarre one) where he had clothes in the locker room and how he brought only his work clothes in and when he stepped out, they were gone from the bench when he came out but weirdly his glasses were still there. So many more like that. He’d do something careless and be shocked that something happened.
I don’t even need AI to tell you another or make an example, here’s another: He lent out a toolkit to someone at work who he hadn’t seen prior to working that shift and the guy doesn’t show up again for another shift. Very odd.
Another time was when I was wearing a hat that I loved and was going to wear it to a convention and he told me: “Bad idea, someone could make you take off the hat and steal it from you.” All these fear tactics are nowt if not annoying. I’m tired of them.
I’ve finally called him out asking, “Did that really happen?” because it just seems so unlikely for even him to have such a rotten streak of bad luck that has spanned 66+ years of his life.
He’d tell lies to me, telling me things that I would believe, and then I’d tell my classmates and friends and they would see through the lies I believed as truth. They no longer believed me and I didn’t know why until I learned myself.
He wanted me to be just like him. So, looking back in humor, he wanted me to be absent when people need me, and present only to traumatize? Yeah…. hard pass. I’m good. But in actuality, he wanted me to be his carbon copy. Like I’d ever want that or wish my own kid to be just like me.
If I decide to tell my kid anything, it will be the truth and how to spot lies.
Lesson about truth? I’ll tell them how it is always the right thing to do.
About white-lies? When to use them and when not to.
Why it is good to have different interests? I’ll point to me and my friends.
Faith is definitely something I want my kid to know as well.
My mom is a large reason why I’m a believer now.
I want that for my kiddo too.
The other reason(s) are:
That empathy is a gift in this world, that you can heal with understanding and that God puts us through challenges that give us tools to make the empathy real.
That even if I’m asleep or away, they have someone to talk to, that God sometimes sends us things are made to challenge us (pray for patience, be given opportunities to be patient). I know my kid will love challenges and quote “Never tell me the odds” to me and their other parent (to our joy).
Going forward, I will be more aware of the red flags life throws at me and making sure that my bio-dad knows he’s not meeting my dates.
Until then, I’ll see you in the next post.